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THE TRIBBLE-ATIONS OF THE DALEKS.
SCENE ONE:
Close-up shot inside the TARDIS where THE DOCTOR stands next to the console flicking switches, pressing buttons and staring up at the screen on the far wall. ROMANA II walks into the room carrying a large greasy box.
THE DOCTOR:
[Looking up]
What have you there?
ROMANA:
Popped corn, I believe it is traditional to eat it when watching a movie.
THE DOCTOR:
We’re not watching a movie.
ROMANA:
What are we watching?"
THE DOCTOR:
[Stealing a handful of popcorn]
If I play my cards right the total destruction of the Daleks.
ROMANA:
Oh no, not that again? Remember the last time you –
THE DOCTOR:
Yes, yes, never mind that, just watch this screen.
Camera pans over to the video screen and focuses on it as static clears to reveal . . .
SCENE TWO:
SKARO interior deep underground in a command bunker. One Dalek stands about flicking switches, pressing buttons and staring up at a screen. Suddenly a second Dalek enters.
FIRST DALEK:
WHERE -HAVE- YOU- BEEN?
SECOND DALEK:
OUT
FIRST DALEK notices a small furry object behind SECOND
FIRST DALEK:
WHAT- IS -THAT?
SECOND
DALEK:
I- FOUND -IT. CAN –I –KEEP -IT?
FIRST DALEK:
NO! IT- MIGHT- HAVE- FLEAS.
SECOND
DALEK:
BUT- IT- IS- SO- CUTE. I’LL- TAKE- CARE- OF- IT.
FIRST DALEK:
NO!
SECOND DALEK:
[Ignoring the FIRST]
I’LL- LOVE- IT- AND- PET- IT- AND- CALL- IT- GEORGE.
FIRST DALEK:
IT- IS- AN- INFERIOR- SPECIES- AND- MUST- BE- DESTROYED.
SECOND DALEK:
[Pokes GEORGE forward so we can all see it is a small black furry ball of fluff with no distinguishing features.]
BUT- LOOK- AT- IT, [SECOND begins to talk to GEORGE] WHOSE- A- WITTLE- CUTTIMS? YOU- ARE, YES- YOU- ARE.
FIRST DALEK:
ARGH! BABY- TALK. EXTERMINATE- IT!
GEORGE ducks behind SECOND DALEK disappearing completely.
SECOND
DALEK:
YOU- SCARED- IT, HAPPY- NOW?
FIRST DALEK:
WE- ARE- THE- MASTERS- OF- THE- UNIVERSE! I- CAN- SCARE- WHO- I- LIKE
SECOND
DALEK:
BULLY!
Just then a THIRD DALEK enters the room.
THIRD DALEK:
HEY- GUYS [points it’s eyestalk behind SECOND DALEK]
WHAT- ARE- THOSE- THINGS?
SECOND DALEK rotates its head to look down at GEORGE. Now there are two GEORGES, one smaller and slightly browner in colour than the first.
SECOND
DALEK:
FUNNY- I- COULD- HAVE- SWORN- THERE- WAS- ONLY- ONE- A- MINUTE- AGO.
THIRD DALEK:
WAIT- I- KNOW- WHAT- THOSE- ARE, THEY- ARE- TRIBBLES!
FIRST DALEK:
ARGH! THAT’S- WORSE- THAN- FLEAS!
SECOND
DALEKS:
WHAT’S- A- TRIBBLE?
THIRD DALEK:
ONLY- THE- WORST- SCOURGE- IN- ANY- KNOWN- UNIVERSE!
FIRST DALEK:
UH- I- THOUGHT- THAT- WAS- US?
Now there seems to be about a dozen GEORGES rolling about the floor.
FIRST DALEK:
HOW- DO- THEY- DO- THAT? THEY’RE- WORSE- THAN- RABBITS!
THIRD DALEK:
WHERE- DID- THEY- COME- FROM?
FIRST looks at SECOND in an accusing manner, which is pretty hard for a Dalek.
FIRST DALEK:
WELL?
SECOND
DALEK:
THERE- WAS- THIS- GUY- AND- HE- SAID- HE- COULDN’T- KEEP- HIM- SO- HE- WONDERED- IF- I- COULD. DID- I- DO- SOMETHING- WRONG . . . AGAIN?
THIRD DALEK:
WHAT- DID- THIS- GUY- LOOK- LIKE?
SECOND
DALEK:
UH- HE- HAD- A- LONG- SCARF- AND- CURLY- HAIR- AND- BIG- TEETH.
FIRST DALEK:
IDIOT! THAT- WAS- THE- DOCTOR- OUR- MORTAL- ENEMY!
SECOND
DALEK:
OOPS!
FIRST DALEK:
IF- I- HAD- HANDS- I- WOULD- SLAP- YOU- UP- THE- BACK- OF- YOUR- DOME! NOW- WHAT?
THIRD DALEK:
WE- MUST- EXTERMINATE- THEM- NOW- BEFORE- IT’S- TOO- LATE!
SECOND
DALEK:
BUT- GEORGE!
THIRD DALEK:
JUST- SHUT- UP- AND- EXTERMINATE.
The floor is literally covered in TRIBBLES called GEORGE now. It’s getting hard for the DALEKS to move as they start firing on the furry mass.
SECOND
DALEK:
SORRY- GEORGE [blasts a TRIBBLE to smithereens] AND- YOU- TOO- GEORGE [more firing] IT- COULD- HAVE- BEEN- SO- GOOD!
The TRIBBLES are now reproducing so fast that they cover the floor. Piling up on top of each other to cover the DALEKS halfway up their casings.
FIRST DALEK:
ARGH- CANNOT- MOVE! MOVEMENT- IMPARED! DID- I- MENTION- I- CANNOT- MOVE?
THIRD DALEK to SECOND:
LOOK- WHAT- YOU- DID. YOU- ARE- SO- GROUNDED!
FIRST DALEK:
DAVROS- WILL- BE- SO- PISSED!
The TRIBBLES were piled up so high now that only the very tops of the DALEKS could still be seen.
SCENE THREE
The camera pans back to show THE DOCTOR and ROMANA staring at the furry black mass on the video screen before switching it off.
ROMANA:
Wow!
THE DOCTOR:
See I told you a quick detour into Star Trek universe was a good idea.
ROMANA:
And here I thought you just wanted to show what a complete git Captain Kirk was.
THE DOCTOR:
Well he is! Fancy William Shatner thinking he’s god’s gift to science fiction.
ROMANA:
[Noticing the red light on the nearest camera is on and nudges THE DOCTOR]
Uh, we’re on air!
THE DOCTOR:
Ah. [Clears throat, then whispers to ROMANA] Whose line is it?
ROMANA:
We’ll have to quarantine SKARO. It wouldn’t be a good idea to let those fluffy things off world. It could be worse than the Daleks. [She turns to one side.] Don’t you think so, K-9?
K-9:
Affirmative!
THE DOCTOR:
[Jumping into the air in surprise.]
I didn’t know you were in this story K-9.
K-9:
Affirmative, Master, it is in my contract to be seen for at least five seconds in every TARDIS scene.
ROMANA:
You weren’t in the first scene.
K-9:
[Ears rotating as he computes that information.]
Correct, Mistress. I must have a word with the producer.
K-9 trundles out of shot.
ROMANA:
It’s hard to believe that something so small could be so dangerous. Don’t you think Doctor?
THE DOCTOR appears preoccupied as he pats his coat.
ROMANA:
Doctor? [She notices a small squeaking bulge in one pocket.] Oh tell me you didn’t?
THE DOCTOR pulls out a black and white spotted TRIBBLE and pats in absent-mindedly.
ROMANA:
You idiot! You kept one!? I don’t know what I ever saw in you, you’re dumped!
With that ROMANA stalks out of the TARDIS console room in a huff, probably to find that producer and see what she can do about her contract.
THE DOCTOR:
[Looking after ROMANA]
Well, I really don’t know what her problem is. [He looks at the TRIBBLE on the console.] Do you Tribble-9?
The TRIBBLE in his hand squeaks. THE DOCTOR looks from one TRIBBLE to the other.]
THE DOCTOR:
[Deadpans straight at the camera.]
I think I might have made a terrible mistake.
CUE CREDITS.