LIGHTSABRE INFOMERCIAL

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Television fades in

[Cue an everyday housewife in the kitchen trying to cut some meat. Then an average guy stumbles about a dark garage. Then a lone teen starting at some strange noise outside.]

Jovial Booming Voiceover: "Tired of that old kitchen knife? Can't find a torch when you need one? Scared and alone at home?"

[Cue to all three people nodding at the screen.]

Voiceover: "Well have we the thing for you. It's a Jedi Lightsabre. That's right. Never again will you worry about walking down a dark street. Is that footsteps behind you?"

[Cue little old lady walking along, she looks back to see a dark figure stalking her.]

Voiceover: "Just turn around and wave that lightsabre at them and they'll run for miles."

[Cue old lady pulling out a lightsabre from her purse and activating it. She waves it about and the would be mugger runs for his life.]

Voiceover: "Not only is it a handy weapon but its great in the kitchen too. It slices, dices, minces, purees and makes the best French fries. And best of all it never needs sharpening."

[Cue housewife throwing away her blunt knife and accepting a lightsabre. Cut to shot of some chef's hands making a delicious meal with 'sabre.]

Voiceover: "Can't find a light switch? Are you stumbling around in the dark?

[Cue average guy stubbing his toe and hopping about garage.]

Voiceover: "You need a lightsabre. Just turn it on and instantly everything becomes clear."

[Cue guy turning on lightsabre and laughing, because now he can see.]

Voiceover: "But wait. If you ring in the next fifteen minutes not only will you receive your very own lightsabre but also you will receive free, that's right absolutely free, one Jedi robe. Just perfect for those long winter nights.

[Cue cute little kid standing in front of a picture window. He snuggles up under robe as snowfalls outside.]

Voiceover: "What would you expect to pay? Not 300 Republican credits, not 200 Republican credits but 159 Republican credits!

That's right for only 159 Republican credits you'll receive this finely crafted special edition lightsabre with its very own belt. And if you ring within the next fifteen minutes and use your Jedicard you'll receive absolutely free this Jedi robe."

[Show kid in robe again.]

Voiceover: "A perfect gift for that special loved one."

[Cue little kid, robe trailing behind him, hands mother a lightsabre wrapped with a big bow.]

Voiceover: "Ring now

1900-BIGSWORD

Our operators are standing by."

 

Television fades out