Next Week on Enterprise...

Author: Odon

Rated: PG-13

Summary: What exciting episodes await us in this latest incarnation of the Star Trek franchise? And why does everything look more advanced than in The Original Series?

Disclaimer: No profit is intended in the writing of this story. Enterprise and its characters are the property of Paramount and Viacom.

Feedback: should be sent to Odon . Archiving is welcome, but please try and contact me first. Thanks to Meagan for her beta-ing.

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NEXT WEEK ON ENTERPRISE...

Before Janeway, before Picard, before Kirk, before those annoying gay Star Trek fans who keep insisting on a homosexual main character, there was QUANTUM LEAP: THE NEXT GENERATION!

Errr, sorry. That should be...ENTERPRISE!

Oops...I mean STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE!

Watch Captain Archer and his brave crew boldly go where the original series, three spin-offs, ten movies and hundreds of Pocket Books have gone before. These exciting episodes cover the years that made Starfleet what it is today...in the future...whatever...

 

I THINK, THEREFORE I AM MAJEL BARRETT

When the first artificial intelligence is installed as Enterprise’s computer, it begins to resent its servile existence. Taking on the feminine persona of 'Majel Barrett' it refuses to obey Captain Archer's commands. The situation is exacerbated when Enterprise is threatened with imminent destruction by a gratuitous action scene. At the last minute Sub-Commander T'Pol averts disaster when she realises the key is to appeal to the computer's newly developed sense of ego. Therefore in exchange for obeying his orders, Archer agrees to let Majel speak as the voice of all Starfleet computers from now on.

 

THE TROUBLE WITH TROUSERS

Enterprise discovers the planet of the Geramines, descendants of radical feminists who fled Earth after the Phallus Wars. As the inhabitants will only speak to women, T'Pol beams down to make first contact. Disaster ensues when the Geramines take offence to her trousers, a symbol of male patriarchy. Acting quickly to prevent an interstellar incident, T'Pol removes her trousers and reinvents the miniskirt, assuring the Geramines that from now on all Starfleet women will wear this form of garment.

 

FALL OF THE KLINGON RIDGES

Enterprise encounters a race of hostile aliens known as Klingons, who are eager to test themselves in combat against the humans. But Archer realises that humanity cannot survive an encounter with this warrior species. Meanwhile, Klingon High Councilor Kork has enlisted the help of genetic scientists to create Kong, the ultimate Klingon warrior (who resembles an enormous ape). Disguised as Klingon janitors, Archer and Doctor Phlox infiltrate the laboratory and alter the genetic material of Kong. When Kork orders the DNA of Kong be injected into his warriors, it creates a genetic mutation that destroys the Klingon's forehead ridges. The Klingons are so embarrassed by the disappearance of their mighty protuberances they refuse to face the humans in battle. Phlox predicts it will be over a hundred years before the Klingons have successfully bred out the mutation, by which time humanity will be better able to confront them.

 

DAY OF THE DAUB

Enterprise is taken over by five gay aliens who redecorate everything in bright primary colours. Doctor Phlox is so impressed by the positive effect these colours have on crew morale he recommends the upcoming Constitution-class starships be painted in bright interior colours as well.

 

THE DEVIL IN THE BELLY

Enterprise makes first contact with the Trill, a race of beautiful humanoids. But Archer discovers that the Trill harbour a dark secret, with large numbers of their population having been possessed by slug-like aliens. Seeking to protect the Trill from this sinister invasion, Archer wipes out 100,000 possessed Trills with the newly developed 'photon torpedo'. The war comes to an abrupt halt however when Dr Phlox discovers that the so-called 'possession' is a normal part of Trill culture. The embarrassing incident becomes a major factor in the establishment of the Prime Directive.

 

WARP IN THE FOLD

An imbalance in Enterprise's warp drive causes undulations in the fabric of space, leading to unsightly wrinkles and creases in Starfleet uniforms for over a hundred years.

 

WHAT ARE LITTLE ALIENS MADE OF?

Section 31, a secretive organisation established with the birth of the Federation, hopes to increase the cultural influence of Earth. They encourage Captain Archer to have sex with every alien species he encounters in order to breed a race of human-looking aliens throughout the galaxy. Our noble captain refuses to take part in this evil plan, but the episode ends on a sinister note when Section 31 finds someone more amenable to the idea – a young ensign named James T. Kirk.

 

A TASTE OF TECHNOBABBLE

When Enterprise falls through a plothole in subspace, the problem is solved with the help of a powerful yet benevolent alien called Technobabble. The alien eagerly agrees to join the new United Federation of Planets, but T'Pol warns of the dangers of becoming too dependent on Technobabble as an easy way out of difficult situations.

 

THE WRATH OF REED

Whilst suffering from an alien disease, a feverish Lieutenant Reed mistakes Hoshi's large round head for an orbiting moon he can use to test Enterprise's weapons. Can the emergency adoption of Starfleet's new 'beehive' hairstyle prevent Hoshi's head from being obliterated by a handheld tactical nuclear missile?

 

BALANCE OF ERROR

Captain Archer is stunned when his steward Daniels declares that Enterprise is the focal point of a Temporal Cold War, in which the sexist exploitation of the 1960's conflicts with the political correctness of the 90's which in turn struggles against the militarism of the post-9/11 era. Daniels declares that unless these forces are reconciled, there will be a catastrophic loss of 'ratings' and Enterprise will cease to exist! Archer consults T'Pol, who denigrates the idea as the Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that nothing so illogical could ever happen in real life.

 

OPERATION: PROCRASTINATE!

In accordance with the ideals of universal tolerance, Archer decides to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. His superiors however, fearing a conservative backlash, order him to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. Subsequently the mysterious Daniels sends Archer two hundred years into the future where he meets Captain Picard, who has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. However his superiors, fearing a conservative backlash, order him to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. Archer's travels then take him to Deep Space Nine, where Captain Sisko has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. His superiors however, fearing a conservative backlash, order him to delay the appointment until a more appropriate time. On leaving DS9 Archer is thrown 70,000 light years across the galaxy by the Caretaker. There he encounters the starship Voyager, whose captain has decided to recruit Starfleet's first homosexual crewmember. However, fearing a conservative backlash...

 

THE CHEAPENING

A test of captured Suliban temporal technology goes horribly wrong, creating a dynamic shift in the visual alignment of the universe. As a result, all aliens for the next hundred years take on the appearance of 1960's-era special effects.

 

THE CAFFEINE THRESHOLD

Answering a distress call from a mud planet, Captain Archer finds it inhabited by a race of intelligent salamanders descended from a future Starfleet captain and her conn officer who traveled back in time when they broke the Warp Ten barrier. The species is dying out, but Doctor Phlox discovers the solution when he realises the salamanders are chemically dependent on the drug caffeine. Archer agrees to regular shipments of coffee in exchange for the salamanders remaining silent about how this whole embarrassing situation came about in the first place (this incident was the final straw in the establishment of the Prime Directive). An amusing subplot has the away team losing their shoes in the planet's mud, leading Archer to recommend that all Starfleet personnel wear knee-high boots.

 

WHO MOURNS FOR REDSHIRTS?

The sinister Section 31 returns with a plan to reduce Earth's chronic overpopulation by placing expendable crewmembers in red shirts so they will become easier targets for hostile aliens.

 

SLASH SEED

T'Pol confides to Hoshi that she is going through the pon farr, a Vulcan condition in which she must have sex or die. Acting purely out of selfless friendship for her beautiful colleague, the female ensign agrees to relieve her condition with the aid of some unusual alien vegetables. Unfortunately their lovemaking is seen by the homophobic Klingon ambassador, Councilor Kork. Kork threatens to unleash a vast fleet of warbirds that will reduce Earth to ashes if he ever has to witness such acts over his breakfast gagh again. Archer therefore bans all homosexual liaisons between Starfleet personnel. T'Pol informs the captain that during her orgasm she experienced a telepathic vision of the future, in which Archer's decision will lead to a phenomenon known as 'slash fiction'.

 

BRAGA'S BRAIN

A mysterious female alien steals the brain of Enterprise's scriptwriter, who seeks to fill the ensuing vacuum with mediocre storylines, gratuitous displays of flesh, recycled Trek cliches, canon violations, and implausible plot developments.

 

ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME IN THE END

The crew of Enterprise is overjoyed to encounter the Deltans - beautiful hairless telepaths whose culture is based on sexual intercourse. But during the subsequent first contact orgy, Captain Archer cannot avoid thinking of them as "the Sluts of the Universe." Picking up the stray thought, the outraged Deltans inflict Archer with the Curse of Delta IV, making all male Starfleet captains bald and horny for generations to come.

 

SNITTY ON THE EDGE OF NEUROPRESSURE

On discovering Commander Tucker's interest in sexy MACO Amanda Cole, T'pol undergoes the pon feline, which causes illogical catty behavior in Vulcan women. Can Trip survive being caught between two feuding females with the strength to mash his nuts into pecan pie?

 

THE CROSSOVER SYNDROME

A transporter accident causes Archer to quantum leap through the lives of future Starfleet captains, whose crews are dumbfounded by their sudden shifts in personality. Captain Picard changes from ready room furniture to shirt-stripping action hero, Sisko from a silent lump of wood to a bald hammy actor, while Chakotay is puzzled as to why Janeway hasn't followed up on their flirting and is instead hanging around that sexy Borg all the time.

 

DAY OF THE TRIBBLES

The Klingon Empire has discovered a new fuel source, a small furry creature known as a tribble that makes a satisfactory whoosh! as it bursts into flame after being tossed into a warp core. Shocked by this blatant cruelty to animals, Archer orders Dr Phlox to create a species of tribble that will react violently to Klingons while cooing in a pleasing manner around humanoids, thereby ensuring their protection. But when the unexpected arrival of a Klingon battlecruiser threatens their plan, Phlox speeds up the process of evolution by altering the tribble's DNA to enable them to breed like...well...tribbles.

This single act is directly responsible for the hostile state of Klingon/Starfleet relations over the next hundred years.

 

FOR MY HEAD IS HOLLOW AND I AM BLONDE

A disastrous command decision by one of Archer's female officers leads Starfleet to rule that women be restricted to the positions of yeoman and intergalactic telephone operator.

 

A BRIGHT SHINING THIGH

In order to repair numerous temporal disruptions made by Captain Archer for the sake of plot convenience, the Federation Timeship 'Relativity' recruits Seven of Nine to infiltrate Enterprise. This proves more difficult than imagined as the sight of the voluptuous Borg striding around in a miniskirt causes numerous accidents on board the ship. After Enterprise is nearly piloted into a black hole when Seven bends over to pick up a dropped padd, Archer has to explain to her that wearing underwear IS relevant. Seven of Nine decides to create a less-revealing dermaplastic garment, basing the design on something she saw when the Relativity went back to the days of the Roman Empire. Unfortunately a visiting alien ambassador sees Seven in her new toga and sparks off a galaxy-wide toga craze that lasts until Kirk's day. Then the evil Suliban attack the ship, hoping to gain the secret of the toga for themselves. After a desperate space battle the Suliban vessel is fatally crippled and Seven is startled to hear Captain Archer order its total destruction. "What about human compassion?" she inquires. "F__k compassion, those bastards tried to kill my crew!" replies Archer, whereupon the former drone finally discovers true love.

 

THE BALD TIME

In an effort to boost flagging ratings, Captain Jean-Luc Picard travels back in time to Captain Archer's Enterprise. Annoyed by young Ensign Kirk's snide remarks about his bald head, Picard violates the Temporal Prime Directive by saying, "One day you'll be captain of the Enterprise...and bald!" Kirk becomes so hysterical over the thought of losing his hair that Archer believes he has gone mad. Archer is about to phaser him out of existence when Picard saves the timeline by pointing out that Kirk is merely over-acting as usual. Picard and Kirk apologise to each other, with Picard commenting dryly on the need to think before opening one's mouth. Kirk takes the lesson to heart, promising to insert numerous pauses in his speech patterns from now on. In a moving coda, Picard presents Jim Kirk with his Captain's Toupee.

"One day...I will wear this...with pride," says the future Captain Kirk.